The Pregnancy Test....

Sometimes, we make mistakes moving on from toxic relationships in hopes of removing that feeling of hurt and pain. We might think that we have moved on effectively, but we just might be being bias toward our own situations. I truly thought that when I moved on to dating, that I had closed the chapter to my past and gotten over it. It was not until later that I recognized that I was not familiar with the feeling of being alone, so I just needed someone... anyone to be there for me and show me attention. I gave my attention and my body to someone that did not give a damn about me just because I needed to feel wanted for a second. Sometimes, we simply just overlook the consequences of things just because we can and then life happens. Life happened to me last year and I could do nothing but look in the mirror and blame myself because it was my own choice to lay down and do what I did. It was my choice to go out on that date with him that led to this, and accept the invite to his hotel room knowing what it was that he wanted. These were all my choices and I dealt with them in the worst way. I remember that hotel off the side of the highway... and parking my car getting outside of it questioning what exactly I thought I was doing. If there was a moment where I felt grown, it was definitely in that moment because here I was trailing behind this man to this janky door that led to a cold, dark room. I sat on that bed for a while watching him roll up and smoke and still questioned myself about what exactly I thought I was doing, because no you aren't out past twelve sitting in this hotel room with this man that you don't know the same way you did like you were back in high school. He went into that bathroom and there I lay on the bed with my eyes closed trying to prepare for the thing that I already knew was a mistake, and I just let it happen. I just let it happen and he let something else happen that led to this conversation here. Days later, I did not expect to be rushing from work to meet up with B at Target to get this test. I did not expect to be asking my bestfriend which test should I get and what should I do because this man had got what he wanted and was no longer talking to me. He assumed that I was pregnant at this point and made it clear after his mistake that he wanted NO kids and hated kids, so having a child was not an option. There was no conversation after that night, no meet-up, no offer of support, no "Briahna are you okay", there was ... nothing. He was gone. I hung onto my bestfriend at the end of that aisle like he was life itself and looked toward him for answers because what type of life would I provide for my child without her father being present. My own birth father didn't want to be present, so how could I dare go and create a child to be in that same predicament knowing how much pain it caused me. We walked out of that store and sat in my car for over an hour and I questioned everything that I was. I truly believed that I never would have it in me to be a good mom, so how could I bring a child into this world if I were pregnant? Just how? Why would I dare raise her in a household where I am not married and having a house of my own. My child deserved more than a one night stand and a father that does not want to claim her. I would be the cause of her pain later in life if I allowed myself to continue on if that test said yes. I had never been one to believe in abortions, but I went through all my options in that car with B. I just could NOT raise a child half ass, because she or he did not ask for this. But then again, I knew what the hell I was doing when I drove to that hotel, got out that car, and laid across that bed. What killed me even more was that I got myself in this situation over sex that I did not even like. My bestfriend offered me more than support that afternoon in that car because I never once felt completely alone due to him being by my side. He instilled in me that I would be a good mother regardless of what I thought because he knows the woman that I have grown to be. He helped me to understand that we all make mistakes, it is just apart of being human... but he knows and I sure as hell know that I will make due with whatever cards that are thrown at me. So, I went home... opened that box... peed on that stick... and prepared myself for the possibility of continuing my life exactly how it was, or motherhood.