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Embarrassment.

My grandmother tells me all the time that I should write professionally because I have a way with my words... "Briahna you have a talent", people say, but it's only good writing because this is my life that I am talking about and these situations and feelings are real. Everything that you are dragged into as you read these stories and follow these individual journeys is genuine and heartfelt. Today's topic: EMBARRASSMENT.
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I left work the other day a bit on edge due to weather, but partially due to stressing once again over a "little boy" taking me through unnecessary shit that I shouldn't have to go through. I hadn't heard from you in how long, for the millionth time, and as I am driving in the mist of this snow storm, you embarrassed me. I damn near ran a light, hit that car crossing, and spun my car slamming on those breaks as I saw you and her. You weren't mine and I wasn't yours, but it was the fact that you told me that there was no one else that I hung onto with the grip of my acrylic nails and believed. I sat and let that light turn from green to yellow to red again as my anger boiled over because it just hit me that you lied to me. I gave you all the opportunities in the world to keep it real with me, and you chose the route of lying and deceit instead of truth and promise. It blows my mind how I explained to you how broken I was over the man before you and you turned around and did the same thing. I always lay everything on the table when I meet somebody new and I never put you in a place where it should have felt okay to lie to me.... You never had to go through the doors into my life and my heart in order to lie in her bed and be active in her life. My feelings did not have to be toyed with in order for you to get your issue off and stroke your ego, because you wanted a hoe, right? Everything that you wanted me to be, and needed me to be, I did and you still wanted to act stupid. I look at you and this woman and I think to myself, she cannot compare to me at all and that's what made him play me? You sat in my bed and held back tears before, came to my room when there was no one else to talk to, said I was the only one to do this and the only one to do that and you still chose fake over real. If you knew this was the game you were going to play, why the hell did you drag me into it? I parked my car, I walked through that storm to my room and sat on the edge of my bed and cried because I couldn't have predicted this type of behavior from you. You say over and over all the time about how you're afraid of me because you understand that all I have to offer is true, but I had been afraid of you long before I ever knew there was a you.... but I still chose to fight it through. Understand that I gave you a chance when there were options. Understand that I chose to break bread on you and spend my time with you because I saw potential in you greater than this persona that you try to put off on college campuses. I got a feeling that the person you are with me, is the person that is finally free, and you're a fraud around these other people. I see through you and I challenge you to be real and that's why you purposefully sabotage everything that we managed to build over a little over a month. You're stupid for messing up the opportunity and you paused my life for a second, but know that, I may have shed some tears and fell just a tad, but I WILL BE good. I spent years of enduring pain and embarrassment, so this let down and these feelings are nothing new. Just know that although being shitty is in your character, I will never stoop to your level and return the favor to you. How I carry myself speaks volumes because I could've made a scene. I could've broadcasting everything that you were and did to me. Us women leave situations and get to talking about how small he was and how this or that wasn't right, but baby, I'll let you live and I won't give you the luxury to even hear my voice, see my face again, or simply fight. 

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