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Family Ties... It's Complicated.

The tricky thing about having family is setting boundaries, acknowledging those boundaries, and our responses to things when those boundaries are crossed. You have some family members that are supportive, loving, and never speak ill will on you, while there are others that make you want to knock 'em around a few times because they literally wait on your downfall. You have some family members that'll square up with you, while others will sit and cry with you. You have some family members that are in the bleachers at your events and graduations, while others make bullshit excuses on why they could not come. It's complicated. My family is huge, but it is also small as well. You see, my mother and father both have huge families, hell my great-grandmother had twelve children, but we all bump heads so much and so rough that I alter my family to be small. Whether or not family members genuinely wish me well on my journey, I don't know... I can care less if they don't... I just know that I wish them well regardless of it all. I have been kicked out of my parents house twice, and that simple fact can speak volumes on how our relationships are.... and my grandparents are always the people that I've looked at as my parents, because they can keep it real with me, but still support me. I can leave after having a conversation with them and be certain that they aren't wishing bad on me. Now, my parents. We do not have that. I used to walk around saying that I wanted a lot of kids, but as I get older... that has changed. My relationship with my mother is an important one because it has damn near molded everything that I do. My relationship with my mother is why I fear of having a daughter because me and her and her and her mother and her and her mother can disown each other like it's nothing. I feel like our relationship patterns have become some sort of unwritten tradition and I cannot risk the day to come that my daughter feels provoked enough by me to want to fight me. I cannot risk the day where she has hatred in her eyes when looking at me. I fear for having a daughter. I have disowned cousins, older family members, younger family members on both sides because I have the ability to do so now. I lived in a house for so long where they raised me to speak up for myself, but I was punished for doing so. Therefore, when I got out on my own, nothing was off limits and anybody that pissed me off had to go. My patience ran thin a long time ago with ignorance, gossip, and disrespect from family members. ESPECIALLY, if they were grown. You see, people are crazy if they think that just because we share the same bloodline, that entitles them to do and/or say anything that they want. I am a firm believer in loving people from afar because sometimes it is best. Now, when speaking on my dad's side of the family, I have always thought, but not necessarily stated that sometimes I feel out of place. You see, the person that I acknowledge as my father is not biologically my father and sometimes that shows when I am around. What blows my mind about this side of the family is the amounts of gossiping that they do behind closed doors, and then faking in each other's faces. Now, they can all play that game of faking, but I CANNOT. When I got grown, I made the choice to stay out of that because it is not something that I agree with. I can be hanging around them one minute, and then the next somebody has something to say about me and it is just annoying. Family can be draining. Family can be deceitful. And family can simply NOT BE FAMILY at all. It doesn't even have to be said that I am going to make it somewhere after I get all the degrees that I get, and I know that they all just might want to "talk it out" and "fix our problems" when that time comes. And you know what the answer is going to be? Hell no.
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