Who truly SEES me? Beyond the smile, beyond the glow in my eyes, beyond the labels, the clothes, the weave, the acrylics.... who can see through all of it and call it bullshit? Depression is not a current problem that I face, but it was once one. When I talk about my experience now, everyone around seems to ask, "Why didn't you tell me?" or... "You should've said something", and my response to them is.... "Well, why couldn't you just SEE me?" I am the person that looks after everyone, checks up on everyone, doing for everyone... just doing everything for everyone but me. And, I would quickly notice if my friends or family were off in energy or vibes simply through a text and I found it hard to believe that during my time of misery, not one person was able to tell or see through me. For the people that have never experienced depression, some of us can be so strategic with it that we would only allow you to see what we want you to see. We could smile our biggest smile and laugh our loudest laugh, meanwhile, we are crying inside and you just aren't attentive enough to tell. It hurts. I had a bone to pick with a lot of people, because for three months, I thought of death, I cried, and was sad without one person being able to notice. And when not one person notices, you get insecure and the depression gets worse because we just want someone to notice because that will be our gateway to expressing everything that we have bottled up inside. I think that our problem as people today, is that we are so self-absorbed and unattentive to the people and things around us. We are so wrapped up in our own things, whether important or not, that we are not concerned about whether or not the people around us are good. As a friend, girlfriend, cousin, whatever.... I always observe the people around me to scope out for possible signs of depression because I know how good I was at hiding it, myself. We have got to be better. I am not perfect, definitely not an expert on this topic... but I do understand what it feels like to go through this and one of the most important things that I can say on depression is to make sure that you always have SOMEONE to talk to. There is nothing like walking around a college filled with thousands feeling alone and singled out. Or... sitting for hours enclosed in four walls in silence feeling like you're suffocating more and more each day. And while dealing with that, there is no one to call or vent to about it. You're fighting the world, with no one on your side. I recommend you find your "person". If people are the reason why you're experiencing this, I say that you can only solve that through understanding and valuing yourself. If you do not find and have love for yourself as a person, it will be so easy for the people and situations around you to destroy you. You have to know the things to keep and remove in your life in order to be okay in all aspects. It is most important to look after yourself and be all about yourself, sometimes. If life situations are why you are here, in this state, I tell you what my family has always told me... life happens. With every situation that we encounter, we cannot run from it. We were given the life we were given, the exact people in it, the exact problem... all parts of the life that we live for a reason, so live it in the best way that you can. Understand that pain IS NOT eternal, yet pain is necessary in order to grow and pain is life. I encourage you to figure out the source of your depression and confront it if you have it, because you have a life to live and depression should not take up any part of it. Live life joyously, eventfully, with great people, experiencing great places, sometimes on the edge... I just really want you to find your place where you are happy, wherever that is or whoever that is with.
Comments
Post a Comment