Today is the start of a hard day for me, because as of today, it has been two years since my uncle has passed. Since last week, I tried to mentally prepare myself for this day, but I just could not. I would like to think that I will be strong on this day and not cry, have his funeral songs on repeat, and mope, but it just is not possible. I still get bothered by the fact that my uncle was taken from me unexpectedly and I was one of the people that never got to see him. I get bothered that I got accepted into nursing school around this time two years ago, and he bought me a card that he never got to send. I cannot help but think of how this week played out two years ago, and what could've been done differently to have him still here. We like to talk about death in an accepting manner when it hasn't hit close to home, but there was nothing that could prepare me for losing you, Dre. When I got news that he was gone, I assumed it before it even came out my parents' mouth, and you cant control the sudden pain that just hits you when you attempt to process it, nor does that pain discriminate because I stopped in the middle of campus and broke down about it. What is crazy about losing my uncle was that, I had been communicating with him and I had just talked to him prior to this happening. You see, my uncle had been in and out of jail multiple times, so whenever I was home from college breaks, he was never there. This last time that he got out of prison, he talked in a manner that led me to believe that was for sure going to be his last time in prison. I truly believed that after he had got back home around this time, he was about bettering himself and living well.... the irony in that is, once he was ready to stop the things that he was doing and be about something, he was called home. It angered me originally that he never had the opportunity to be great after he learned from his mistakes and accepted responsibility for them. It angered me that his death was questionable and that I never got to see him when he got home. My uncle was home in April and two days before he passed, we had talked on the phone about me. We talked about how I would live my best life and how we would spend time with each other once I got home and it just killed me how he passed weeks before it was that time. When we think about death, I am taught all the time in my courses that we should view it in a positive manner. I am taught that, when it is our time to go, it should be accepted because God wants us with him. I thought all that I learned was bullshit the very moment I walked into his funeral because he was in that casket still and not cracking jokes with me. That person in that casket was not Dre and all I could think about was why he had to be taken away from me. Looking back, maybe I was a bit selfish for wanting him to stay with us longer, but can we help it? Dre was the uncle that played too much with the kids, the uncle that would do bad things, but encourage you to do the RIGHT things... the uncle that would call you names jokingly and be so goofy that you just could not be sad around him.... he is definitely a part of my heart. I guess... I encourage myself and others to talk about this topic and recognize that it happens everyday, and to not be afraid. I say I encourage myself as well because... I know that when the day comes that my grandparents leave me, I will be traumatized. You see, my grandparents are looked at like my parents, and I fear every single day of losing them because I am not ready. I sound so selfish, but yes.... I am not ready. When that time does come, though, I will search through my blogs for this one in particular to help me out in some way. And, to the Briahna that is going through this issue then: Your life does not stop. You have to continue going and living life to its fullest capacity because you KNOW neither of them would have wanted you to stop pursuing your education and being happy. Accept that, although they are physically gone, all that they have done for you and said to you is eternal. I miss my uncle every single day, but I recognize that he had to go home. I recognized that he lived his life in the best way that he could and I am certain that he would encourage me to do the same if he were here. I encourage everyone to do that if you find yourself dealing with death. I miss you so much, Dre. RIP.
April 19, 2016
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