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The Devil In My Bed...

There is a head laying on the pillow next to me and 
I'm not sure why it's there. I woke up, turned around, and got flustered because... you shouldn't be here. We went from arguing to making love to waking up next to each other like the issue is just suddenly forgotten and it hasn't been. You're laying there comfortable, snoring, drooling and shit .... and I have this look of disgust on my face as I stare at you because you played me again. My heart aches constantly with you, but I still allow you to lay in this bed. I still allow you to put saliva on my pillows every damn night just for you to play me time and time again. I look at you as you sleep with love in my eyes, but hatred, too because you come home to me, but the moment you leave.... you do whatever it is that you desire to do. You cheat, you lie, you sneak, you connive and my stupid ass just yells but still leaves your spot open in this bed. I hate you. I hate you for knowing that you can do all this shit and I wont leave. I cant stand myself for not developing enough courage and confidence in order to leave. What the hell are we doing? This man has robbed me and he stays in my bed. This man has robbed me of the opportunity to ever love again, to ever trust again, to ever feel safe again because of all that he has done. I made love to you last night with pain in my heart and tears down my eyes because I'm so damn WEAK. I get mad about the things that you do and threaten to leave, and then here goes my dumb ass an hour later letting you hit. You know you have control over me, I know, we all know.... and I just search for the day where I can allow myself to have control. Because... I love you too much. I live for you too much, breathe for you too much, do for you too much.... and you do nothing. I would run in front of you and take every last bullet left on this earth and die for you and you wouldn't even take one. I scoot over a bit farther from you in bed and snatch your hand off my waist and get mad because WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?! You sleep oh so comfortably at night, every damn night while sometimes I get no sleep.... I get broken sleep... because I'm waiting on you to text me back or I'm wondering what you're doing. I'm missing meals, I'm tossing and turning in bed every night because I cant trust you out there. I cant fathom you out there doing me wrong, when in reality, I know that's the truth. I lay here next to you broken and incomplete while you lay there fulfilled and satisfied with yourself. I fell in love with a player that I can't leave. Let me take that back, I can, but I wont because I need you more than you need me. Being in love with you has made me so blind and so stupid, and I know it. I cook, I clean, I beg, I fight, I run, I do whatever is necessary to make you happy, but it is never enough. I am never enough, the meals I spent hours making aren't enough, catering to you isn't enough, spending money isn't enough... nothing is ever enough, you just always want something extra that has nothing to do with me. I am torn looking at you next to me because ... why don't you love me enough to do right? To fight like I fight? To put in the work to actually make this work because I try.... Why the hell did I let you hit last night and you cant even do right? I'm. Just. Stupid. All the love that I have to give to you is way more than you deserve and I pray every day to learn how to take it all away and make it stop. I wish I could just snatch your damn heart out as you use it so heavily right now, because you don't give a damn  about me. You know everything about my life, the helpless lamb that I am, and you took advantage... and I let you. You sculpted me into being this robot that was all about you and for you, so much so that I forgot about me. So much hatred in my eyes as I look at you, and I just want to forget you. I just want to slap you awake and kick you out as you are because I deserve better. I deserve better, but I wish better was you because we planned a future. My last name was supposed to be yours, my kids were supposed to be yours, my first and only was supposed to be you and you ruined it by being a fool. I cannot breathe without you and I question sometimes as I look at you .... if my life is one without you... do I really want to. 



***I was inspired to write this today, not all parts of this are true to my life situation and/or express my feelings currently. Thanks for the read.***
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