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Confessions, Confessions, Confessions...


It's been days since I seen you, even though we are on the same campus, and I cannot bring myself to understand why. It's been days since you touched me and I cannot bring myself to understand why. It's been days since you looked me in my eyes and held my hands and I am confused. It's been days since you said I love you and I am constantly wondering what did I do? Every day I got out of class and came straight to this dark, cold room hoping that I would get one text from you, one ounce of hope that we could push through, I was always disappointed. Three months worth of no longer being able to keep my head high and fighting a depression that I never had before. Struggling to fight through this ever so strong feeling of wanting to let go because you're here, but you're not here and I cant bear to think about ever being alone. Today, I asked you to come over for the millionth time and you finally said yes. You gave me a fifteen minute time slot out of 24 hours in a day and I didn't complain, because I didn't want you to turn around and change your mind and say no. You walked through that door uncaring and I already sensed the change when you couldn't even look me in my eyes. Day 64 or so of arguing, round 64, and... I still couldn't tell whether or not you were lying. I sat on the edge of my bed begging you to put down the phone and let me talk because you needed to know how I felt. You needed to see the pain in my eyes when I told you that I knew there was someone else, I knew your heart wasn't with me, I knew you were touching her and not me... and despite knowing it all in my heart and mind and seeing you stand there nonchalantly, I probably still wouldn't leave. I had been walking around this campus, spent many nights sitting in the dark on the grass crying til they were red fighting the feeling of not wanting this life that I was given and you never knew. You avoided me for so long, so then again, how could you? I told you through tears, with my head down, at my weakest point ever that I didn't want this life anymore and I told you why. I told you that bearing a life without you is something that I never wanted to experience... and I'd rather die. As I cried in a way that was just as similar to getting on my knees begging, you stood there looking at your phone ignoring my pain and shrugged it off like it was nothing and there came my anger. There came my hand from my eyes, to behind my back, to your face because ..... because no you did not just hear that the woman you claimed you were in love with was planning to end her life and you ignore it. You shrug it off, you laugh, you're probably on that phone texting her.... as I beg for you to stop this pain that is destroying me. I had never been so angry with you in that moment and it killed me looking into your eyes through all those tears and getting clarification in that very moment that you did not even care. I had a flashback at that moment to our first time, when I laid there on that cold bed questioning whether or not this moment was right because I planned on waiting.... but I talked myself out of it because I just knew that you would be the man that I would have kids by and marry. I had a flashback to that moment where you proposed with a red Ring Pop, or all the moments where I did things that I did not want to do, but I did just because I wanted to make you happy. I did not want to make love all those times that you wanted to because you caused me pain, I did not want to help you with your work because you did not even want to try.... I did not want to bite my tongue and sugar coat the truth just because you wanted me to be weak and lie to you. I did not want to go to this school that I have been miserable at since Day One, but it was the only school that wanted you. I sacrificed it all just to make you happy and secure a future for us just to end up here... in this moment. Begging you to get it together when you should be fighting for me and on your knees crying to ME. I ached in that moment not seeing one tear coming from your eyes when I told you that you were ruining us. My heart ripped when I told you that I could no longer breathe because I had to compete for you and you watched me get weaker by the second. The killer thing was, I could look in your eyes in that moment wanting with every ounce in my being to make things work whether you cheated or not, but no matter how hard I fought... you were no longer the person that God had meant for me.

(Thanks to my friends tonight for challenging me to get a bit deeper with things today. Your own dilemmas, tonight, inspired me to talk about this. And, no, this is no way in shape or form current, guys.)
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