Harsh Reality

Let's take into account that it was well calculated for this to be posted on such an asshole-ish day, lbs. Soooooooooooo, it sucks, no longer hurts anymore, but it's a slap in the face to face reality dead on when it is never the reality that you planned for. One thing that I have always been spectacular at is planning ahead for all the things that I want to happen in my life later on down the line, but what most of us typically drag our feet on planning for is the bad things that could happen... and, I never planned to lose something that I viewed as a marriage. My first heartbreak was a shitty one that I never thought I'd make it through. And.... when you are viewed as the couple that everyone expects to make it, there is even more pressure placed onto it when problems arise. I fought hard for my relationship to last regardless of him doing whatever it was that he was doing. Regardless of feeling empty and unworthy, I still fought while I was barely hanging on a thread. When I found this picture, that I thought that I deleted, I thought of those rings. I thought of how seriously we took them, and how with the promises we made to each other after wearing those, how could it all just be broken. The harsh reality that I had to face was, even though those rings symbolized marriage, we were never married. It felt like a death and a divorce all in one when I lost my bestfriend and my lover in one, but I had to face the fact that the bestfriend and lover that I thought was still present, was gone. I had fought way past due for something that had been lost deep within those waters. I begged, I cried, I embarrassed myself for the sake of love in hopes of keeping that bond that you see in the picture above. I fought for it because I questioned who and what would I be without it.. because that was the only reason why I didn't leave sooner. It felt as if he had constructed me to be all about him and for him and just him, him, him... so who the hell would I be if he was no longer present? Nothing. Less beautiful, less wanted, unappealing.... unworthy. One of the days when I found myself crying over me and him, I went to that same pond in that picture and watched my ring sink to the bottom. I stood there crying and watching it until I couldn't see it anymore and I knew for sure in that moment that our ending would come soon. It is because of these rings that I no longer accept promises from people. It is because of these rings that I question people's motives all the damn time... because, do you really mean it when you say you wont hurt me? Do you really mean it when you say that you aren't set out to waste my time? Because another heartbreak like this one, is one that I cannot afford to take.... because I simply just might not be strong enough to make it through another one. The picture still holds it beauty, but I simply had to blog on it and release my thoughts before making the deleting permanent this time. It is also nice to have this blog to see exactly how far I've come.... I appreciate the read, today.