Briahna's Journey

What are the expectations that you have set for what makes someone a good friend? Do they have to text you everyday? Be present for every problem that you go through? Support you and be a cheerleader in your life? What characteristics are essential in order for someone to be considered a "real" and "good" friend because we complain about not having enough of them, but what is it that we really want out of our friendships with people? When I was younger, I thought that the more friends that I had, the better, but that is definitely not the case. For the most part, I have kept about three solid friends in my life that I have fell out with, made up with, fought the good fight with, and grew with and I am perfectly happy with all three of those friendships. I have learned over time that the smaller the circle, the better... especially when it comes to the people that you vent to. I never tell anyone every aspect of everything that goes on in my life.. but I do te

Girlfriends see their men in a different way than other people get to see. We hold the secrets that no one else knows past the relationship expiration date, we're one of the first people to see them cry, some of us even take it a bit further and do things that we probably still to this day wont ever speak of just to keep them happy and out of trouble. The ride or die's. We see the young man that is weak from all the obstacles life has thrown at us, you know, the young man that walks through that door and slides with his back against the wall, bottom to the floor, and hands covering his face. The defeated young man. We see the young man that keeps it together in front of his parents and family members, but cries to you because someone just passed in his family because he knows that you're the one person that he could cry to. We see the young man that is overwhelmed with college, per sae, so we might make it a bit easier by "tweaking" his assignments so

When I blow out my candles on my 21st birthday, the only thing that I wish for is guidance. I don't want the clothes, the money, nothing else but guidance and a somewhat clear idea of what direction I need to go in. I am lost and I just want to know what it is that I need to do and where it is that I need to go in order to be "found". This summer, I have been anxious for the longest time to get to my 21st birthday just to pop bottles, but I don't want that anymore. I'm over doing wild and crazy things and I simply want to just get my life together. I walk into the summer with my head slightly lowered, but a bit optimistic because I set new goals for myself. I want to go to church throughout the summer, I want to learn how to swim, I want to have fun, I want to spend more time with family and friends, I want to see and try new things... I want to no longer make my summers about work and sleep. I want to take this time away from school to mentally prepare for

I go through it and people don’t even notice. I keep a smile on my face and help everyone else around me fight their battles when I need help too. And maybe there’s some blame placed on me because I have too much pride to ask for help.... but the point is, people don’t notice. I’m way past crying over everything, getting mad over everything.... I’m just tired. When I stay up all night talking to people about their problems, drive at 4am just to be by someone’s side that wouldn’t do the same for me.... there’s a problem. Everyone looks towards me to be strong and give them the advice to move forward, but we’re both learning about this thing called life together. For example..... it’s easy to tell a drunk to put down a bottle, but how the hell can I tell them if being a drunk isn’t my life. I’ve been on edge my whole junior year and people take light to it when I say that I walk around this school miserable because I never wanted to be here. I never loved it here, my support systems a

It's been days since I seen you, even though we are on the same campus, and I cannot bring myself to understand why. It's been days since you touched me and I cannot bring myself to understand why. It's been days since you looked me in my eyes and held my hands and I am confused. It's been days since you said I love you and I am constantly wondering what did I do? Every day I got out of class and came straight to this dark, cold room hoping that I would get one text from you, one ounce of hope that we could push through, I was always disappointed. Three months worth of no longer being able to keep my head high and fighting a depression that I never had before. Struggling to fight through this ever so strong feeling of wanting to let go because you're here, but you're not here and I cant bear to think about ever being alone. Today, I asked you to come over for the millionth time and you finally said yes. You gave me a fifteen minute time slot out of 24 hou

I think I'm falling for you, and I say that with the absolute most fear throughout my entire body because I don't completely trust you. I think that my heart is slowly coming out of my body and being gravitated toward your hands over the course of time and I cant help but let it. You're the man that I can see it all with, but I question all the time whether it is safe to allow myself to enter into a stage of love with you because you cant even love yourself properly. I watch you struggle to balance your own life every day and I try to figure out how my own life can be meshed into yours when you live in a maze. But... who am to determined what you can handle? And how do I know that me coming into your life could actually be a positive thing? That one thing that actually supplies you with balance. I wake up every morning, and go to sleep every night with you on my mind, and it did not start off that way. I get in my car and drive to get food and I call and wonder if you h

Serious question, is there anything wrong with the woman being more dominant financially in the relationship? Is there anything wrong with a woman picking up the checks? Offering the money? Basically doing all the things that have been placed on men to do? It may sound untraditional in a sense, but I do not mind swiping my card for a "man" that I think is worth my time. There is a difference between just giving money all willy nilly to any which guy, but what about someone that you are taking seriously and that you see a future with? I was raised to be an independent woman with my own money, that does not need to rely on a man for anything, so I have grown up to look at a man swiping his card on me all the time as something weird because I have the money to provide for myself. But then again, my grandmother is a traditional woman that is provided for, so she is one of the women that has talked to me and has expressed that it is okay for the man to do for you, just ma

On Facebook, I read a post that a guy made that said, "What is so hard about being faithful and focusing on one person?" And, I read that post and shook my head and said, I don't understand what is so hard about it either. Maybe, we just all need to be out here hoeing around since everybody is for everybody. Maybe we just need to all stop giving a damn about breaking each other's hearts and focusing on what makes the other person happy because we get our heart's broken anyway. I feel his frustration and I ask myself all the time, what is the point in getting to know someone, getting used to someone, and then in return giving your heart to someone just for it to be broken? What is the point in fixing your mouth to say that there is no one else, or that you will put forth the effort to make things work... just to catch you with someone else and get my messages ignored all day? So, I in return ask, what is the point in trying to be committed? We go out into th

I am tired of seeing the women around me cry. Tired of seeing the women around me settle, beg, struggle, complain, and do it on their own because the men they lie down with just cannot get it right. But then again, I am tired of seeing the women around me act like they do not know what it is that they deserve just for the sake of having someone, anyone, in their lives. I am tired of seeing the women around me cry, who made themselves cry because they walked back to a situation that they knew was no good, with hopes of trying to fix it. I sit up late at night having so many conversations with my lady friends about their men and the best advice that I can always give is to focus on themselves. A majority of us have not even hit twenty-five, yet we all feel so inclined to find that perfect man right now at this very second. Reality check number one, not one man or woman is created to be perfect, so get that perception out of your head that there will ever be a man or woman

Today is the start of a hard day for me, because as of today, it has been two years since my uncle has passed. Since last week, I tried to mentally prepare myself for this day, but I just could not. I would like to think that I will be strong on this day and not cry, have his funeral songs on repeat, and mope, but it just is not possible. I still get bothered by the fact that my uncle was taken from me unexpectedly and I was one of the people that never got to see him. I get bothered that I got accepted into nursing school around this time two years ago, and he bought me a card that he never got to send. I cannot help but think of how this week played out two years ago, and what could've been done differently to have him still here. We like to talk about death in an accepting manner when it hasn't hit close to home, but there was nothing that could prepare me for losing you, Dre. When I got news that he was gone, I assumed it before it even came out my parents' mout

Sometimes, we make mistakes moving on from toxic relationships in hopes of removing that feeling of hurt and pain. We might think that we have moved on effectively, but we just might be being bias toward our own situations. I truly thought that when I moved on to dating, that I had closed the chapter to my past and gotten over it. It was not until later that I recognized that I was not familiar with the feeling of being alone, so I just needed someone... anyone to be there for me and show me attention. I gave my attention and my body to someone that did not give a damn about me just because I needed to feel wanted for a second. Sometimes, we simply just overlook the consequences of things just because we can and then life happens. Life happened to me last year and I could do nothing but look in the mirror and blame myself because it was my own choice to lay down and do what I did. It was my choice to go out on that date with him that led to this, and accept the invite to his hotel r

Who truly SEES me? Beyond the smile, beyond the glow in my eyes, beyond the labels, the clothes, the weave, the acrylics.... who can see through all of it and call it bullshit? Depression is not a current problem that I face, but it was once one. When I talk about my experience now, everyone around seems to ask, "Why didn't you tell me?" or... "You should've said something", and my response to them is.... "Well, why couldn't you just SEE me?" I am the person that looks after everyone, checks up on everyone, doing for everyone... just doing everything for everyone but me. And, I would quickly notice if my friends or family were off in energy or vibes simply through a text and I found it hard to believe that during my time of misery, not one person was able to tell or see through me. For the people that have never experienced depression, some of us can be so strategic with it that we would only allow you to see what we want you to see. We

The fact that you say things that you know are lies and have confidence that I'll believe them is mind blowing. And maybe I let you think that I do, but know that I peep your game. Sometimes, we let you men think that we know nothing or see nothing, but we really do. Sometimes... we simply just do not have the energy in us to confront you on it or face the problems. But understand that we know... We notice the way that you text, how you treat us around other people, whether or not your eyes wander and for how long... women are built to be attentive, strategic, and observant. Smooth talkers are everywhere, but I think men forget that us women can do it, too, but a lot better. Yes, you may hurt us, at first, but once we get to that stage where we no longer have the energy to confront you on the issues and face them head on, we just might become the smooth talker like you. And the gag is, women learn how to be smooth talkers and players from the men that play us! What MEN should u

Mackenzie sent me this picture the other day and I almost died, lol. Today, I asked a lot of people for a blog topic and I chose to talk about something that Mackenzie and I are talking about as we speak, accepting the past, the present, and possibilities of the future. Mackenzie and I are twins in a way because we were dealt the same life cards in a sense: same birthday, same schools, starting long term relationships at the same time, both lost those long term relationships, both opinionated, and we bring the life out of each other. Literally like salt and pepper, or peanut butter and jelly if you will. Today, we related to each other in a sense where we accepted our life outcomes. And through talking with her, I had a chance to reflect back on my life and realize how unknowingly naïve we could be at our early stages of being teenagers. In that picture, I was a sophomore in high school, first semester with my ex-boyfriend with all the hopes in the world at that moment that we woul

Momma said, "Go to school first and worry about these dudes, later." GMomma said, "Be a woman of your word." Papa said, "Don't worry about what other people got going on, worry about you because the bills don't stop." .... Unc said, "Fuck these lil niggas."  I remember all the advice yall told me and I lived by it. Collectively, I give every single member of my immediate family credit for constructing me into a strong and independent woman. For as long as I can remember, they have always pushed me to work hard and use my brains to get to where I want to in life and take the world by storm when I get there. I am grateful for them. Growing up, my grandmother started me off early into academics, and... I was educated young enough to the point where I had the option to skip the first grade. I have always given my grandmother credit for motivating me that young to be so driven academically because I still have that characteristic to th

Man, I love my life despite the obstacles that I may face, especially when everything starts falling into place. And right now, everything is falling into place. See, I have this bad habit of questioning why God does some of the things that he does because, like most of us may think sometimes, why does my life have to be hard all the time? When will I get a break from pain, embarrassment, complications? When will I just get a long period of wins and happiness? We always have an outdoor seat to what is going on in the next person's life, and we tend to believe that some people have it better than us, but we just might have it the same way, if not better. I have been blessed lately. I have been blessed with the presence of a friendship that I thought I lost that was rekindled over time. You see, God was doing something months ago when he started showing Mackenzie to me in small pieces ... and I never understood why then because I guess that I was not ready to see it. But, now I

I want you to want to do better. I want you to be scared enough to lose me to where you will get your crap together and be the man that I thought you could be. I want you to go about your day doing something productive expecting to come home to me at the end because I am where you should be, not wandering around doing whatever it is that you please. I want you to understand that if you say that you want me, I am going to take you seriously. But, just as quickly as I'll come to you, I'll walk away with twice as much speed. I never take light to any of the things that you say to me, maybe you do that with my words, but I don't do that to you. I take my heart and my time seriously because if you're gonna just come in my life to act up, there is seriously something wrong with you. I snatched my heart out with my hand and held it out to you and you took it with promises to be careful with it and you play. How many times do I have to say over and over that I do not hav

If you cannot keep honest people around you and in your crew, you're playing yourself. If you push away people that tell you the truth, even if it hurts you, you're playing yourself. If you don't constantly re-evaluate your circle as you progress to see who is still solid, you're playing yourself. Even though we expect people to come into our lives (friends, family, partners) acting properly, we really shouldn't expect that because they do not HAVE to do right by you. We get mad at people all the time for the things that they do to harm us, but people are going to do whatever they want to do at the end of the day. It is our jobs to constantly check the people around us to prevent these things from happening because you can't progress when you have negative and unbalanced people around you. Negativity is contagious, and failure can also be contagious, and it is just our own responsibilities to keep things like that away. Let me explain, I had this friend t

My junior year of college is coming to an end very rapidly and I have spent some time trying to figure out just exactly how I want it to end. Every year, I close off a level of schooling always having goals moving forward based on me and someone else. And now... I have goals from a single point of view that is single beyond relationships. I can now plan for New York living like I always wanted and pursue a career there after graduation. I can choose graduate school is Memphis, Tennessee if that is where my heart takes me. I can take a year off after getting my Bachelor's just to travel the world because I haven't gotten to see this beautiful world of mine as much as I have wanted to. The world is literally my oyster and I have just been taking the time to explore and think about all these different opportunities. I am closing off my junior year of college as a new woman. A woman that is more confident, more level-headed, more hard-working, stronger, wiser, more educationa

I like to think that, although we cannot completely restart our lives like most of us may want to sometimes, we do have a lot of opportunities for "retries". I took a day recently to ignore all messages and just go back to focusing on myself and I thought about this very idea and how it applied to my life. I can't reiterate enough how challenging dating can be for me, and I can say that at this point.... finding someone and sculpting someone to have a place in my life in that way is no longer a priority. It took a lot for me in general to get back on the market and try to be level-headed as I did so, but I find myself wasting a lot of time on situations and people that just do not work. There is a reason why at the beginning of all my interactions I state exactly what it is that I want, expect, and look for.... so that the person could tell me then and there if taking part in my journey is something that they can or cannot do. And realistically, most of the

My grandmother tells me all the time that I should write professionally because I have a way with my words... "Briahna you have a talent", people say, but it's only good writing because this is my life that I am talking about and these situations and feelings are real. Everything that you are dragged into as you read these stories and follow these individual journeys is genuine and heartfelt. Today's topic: EMBARRASSMENT. *** I left work the other day a bit on edge due to weather, but partially due to stressing once again over a "little boy" taking me through unnecessary shit that I shouldn't have to go through. I hadn't heard from you in how long, for the millionth time, and as I am driving in the mist of this snow storm, you embarrassed me. I damn near ran a light, hit that car crossing, and spun my car slamming on those breaks as I saw you and her. You weren't mine and I wasn't yours, but it was the fact that you told me that there

There is a head laying on the pillow next to me and  I'm not sure why it's there. I woke up, turned around, and got flustered because... you shouldn't be here. We went from arguing to making love to waking up next to each other like the issue is just suddenly forgotten and it hasn't been. You're laying there comfortable, snoring, drooling and shit .... and I have this look of disgust on my face as I stare at you because you played me again. My heart aches constantly with you, but I still allow you to lay in this bed. I still allow you to put saliva on my pillows every damn night just for you to play me time and time again. I look at you as you sleep with love in my eyes, but hatred, too because you come home to me, but the moment you leave.... you do whatever it is that you desire to do. You cheat, you lie, you sneak, you connive and my stupid ass just yells but still leaves your spot open in this bed. I hate you. I hate you for knowing that you can do all this s

Do not feel bad for removing toxicity. Simple sentence, simple message, appears to be a simple action, but this is easier said than done. There was this friend of mine that I just had to let go, and it was one of the best decisions that I could have ever made, legit. Have you ever had a "leech" in your life, better explained as a mosquito? That was him. A person that can never take responsibility for their actions, constantly changes stories, stays in the same place in life while you're trying to progress, just a negative spirit all the way around? A person that tries to attach themselves on your back all the way through the relationship while they just leech off of all you are and what you're doing... He was that person, that I just so happened to be talking to prior to the friendship, that was in love with me. See the complication. He had a way of calling me out of my name, disrespecting me, and turning into this evil person whenever things did not bene