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Steering Clear of The Past...

Sometimes, it still troubles me when I look at where I am in life, today, compared to where I thought I would be. Sometimes, it still bothers me that I lost myself for a whole semester and a bestfriend and relationship that was meant to last a lifetime along with it. I've gathered my closure a long time ago about what reality would be, but it simply just still gets to me sometimes. Sometimes I just wonder whether or not all the pain that was caused to me is even thought about, or whether or not he just moved right along not having that conversation with God about the wrongs that he did and whether or not he is apologetic for it. Those thoughts just haunt me... Now, those thoughts didn't necessarily start crossing my mind again until I found myself in a situation that happened to be "promising". I found myself a good man that I can see the kids, the ring, the house... everything I ever wanted with and I guess, I'm scared. I'm scared because, even if he has flaws, he can fix them right then and there... and if I ever complain about anything, he is beyond quick to fix it and I cant push him away even if I wanted to because he is damn near perfection. The issue that I have is refraining from pushing him away because I fear that we may start off perfect, but may end up broken. I fear that I may give my all to this man and he may disappoint me. I fear that I'll offer all my time, invest all my emotions, my hard work into something that may not even be good for me.... but he is where my heart is. When he is busy, when he is away and handling all that he has to handle, I cant help but have flashbacks of what "used to be" for me. I can't help but get a bit bothered by sitting around waiting on him, and its not that I question what he is doing or whether or not he is hurting me like the last one did, I simply just get lonely and wish that I could grasp a little bit more of his time. One thing that he always has to remind me is to not compare him to my ex because that ending will not be ours and he will continue to do for me and treat me a lot better than I ever had. Not finding similarities between the two is a lot harder than I predicted, especially when some things seem slightly similar.... I just have to constantly remind myself that I have someone and something good and to not speak anything bad into it. Steering clear of the past is simply a blog that will forever be here for me to look back on that will remind me that I cannot look back on or speak past situations into current situations. I cannot look back on my past and expect the same result from my future. I cannot see similar personality traits and expect the same outcomes. Just because he is social and I'm reserved does not mean that it is an automatic red light and that I should run.... because he is not HIM. My past is NOT my future.... I will be happy and content with my current situation because that's what I want it to be. It will not fail because I won't talk myself into letting it fail and I won't run from my happiness. One of the issues that I think many people have when they have been hurt is seeing things that may not necessarily be there out of fear.... I may be convincing myself that there is something to be scared of in this union that may not even be there because I run. I run away from the things that intimidate me and I run away from what appears to be pain and I just cannot take another heartbreak. He scares me and I find myself pushing back on him sometimes because I know the potential that WE have.... and it is something that I do not want to lose.
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