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Extras: Thinking and Planning Ahead ...

Am I the only one that hopelessly and obsessively thinks ahead about the future like every second of every day? Madly trying to control everything and guessing what path God is going to take me on... Or having those long nights of studying for classes ending with an exaggerated breakdown of tears and shouts of "I'm sick of this shit! I'm dropping out of school!" That's me, the academic junkie. Since I was little, I was always told that I'd be successful because of how smart I was, and I carried that with me all through elementary, middle, high school, and definitely college. While everyone wanted to fool around and give the teachers hell in high school, I actually studied, lol. And, I actually did my work and enrolled in challenging classes to make my college application look good. I thought about college well before high school. In college, I actually take my work seriously, whether Humanities or Population Health Management... because I am working towards a degree that will establish the foundation for my legacy. Late at night, I sit up thinking about how far I will go... how far my career will take me, the businesses I'll own, how much money I'll make... you know what I mean? Actually planning it out and stressing about it in the moment regardless of it being years from now. I sit up and think about how far me and my companion will go with him being in the services and with his major and with his goals and whether or not we will actually be all that I dream we will be. I think about what I'd be like as a mother and how successful I will be at it, along with how successful I will be as a wife. Some of the things that I stress about, people my age don't even care to think about, but I really struggle everyday with whether or not I will accomplish all the dreams that I set out to accomplish. I struggle with whether or not I will even be able to have children, or whether or not I will even get married. The possibility of these things worry me and it's all a part of that idea of "thinking and planning ahead". They taught us to think and plan ahead years before it became crucial to do so, but teachers and family never told us how obsessive it could be, along with disappointing. The reality is, I can set out to accomplish these things and spend years planning it out, but it just might not happen that way, then what? What happens after I get my hopes up about meeting the perfect guy in college, getting engaged in college, married and an apartment after graduation, popping out a kid or two, and trying to balance being a mom and having a career and blah blah blah! Naïve plans, but we all have those naïve moments that we recognize as being naïve, but we still keep hope within us that things may happen like we thought or planned. I thought and planned ahead dozens of times, and was disappointed sometimes and satisfied other times.... Just up starting the first night of my spring break THINKING.
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