What do you call the man that slept with your mother to create you, but was not necessarily active in your life? I do not refer to that man as my father, what I have always referred to him over the years is as "Sperm Donor". I do not refer to who some people view as my "step dad" as my stepdad because that is not what he is. This is the man that fed me for years, saw me off to prom, watched me graduate, and stood by me in the hospital. When I was young, staying in the apartments right across from the dome in Saint Louis, MO, I walked up to that same man and asked him to be my father. As soon as I heard that yes, I declared him my father, and later on in life, I realized that he had been a father well before that moment, since the age of two. That other man, I was never around him consistently to even remember his middle name, birthday, or something as simple as his favorite color. I grew up hearing bad things about him that I wish I never heard because they set the foundation for how I would view him for every moment after that. I soaked in everything I heard about him, as a child, like a sponge, but I never questioned whether or not those things were true.... because if I was told that he did not claim me, or did not want to support me, but supported his other children, why would I not believe it and its coming from someone that has always been there for me? I think that as parents, they make it hard for children to develop relationships with them when they handle their problems in front of the child to see and involve the child in the chaos. I should not have heard either of them bad mouth each other, their problems should have been hidden from me until I was old enough to understand and build a perception of each of them on my own. Being involved in their conflicts has the ability to tarnish a child and it truly does stay with them, because in a sense, you have to pick a side... and I chose my mom's. With choosing my mom's side, I believed everything that she said and constructed my own idea of this man based on what was placed in my head. I met up with him a few times here and there over the years, and whether or not what he said or she said was true, I will never know. One of the things that I wish to have closure on in my life was determining whether or not I was wanted in this man's life or whether or not he regretted all the years wasted on not seeing me develop into the woman that I am today. Does it bother him that another man took on his duties in raising me and that I view him in a way that he should've been viewed in. Whether or not we have a relationship is a two-way streak, but for someone that chose to be away from my life, it is his responsibility to mend the bond that was broken while there is still glue in place to fix it.
Comments
Post a Comment