Briahna's Journey

Since the time I could first talk and be able to understand words and phrases, I have been told that I was going to college. I was pushed academically, scrutinized for not being at my best academically, and praised for all academic achievements all in hopes of getting me to being on this campus, with these books, pursuing this degree. I don't think that our parents, friends, and other family members truly understand what it is like to go through the college experience in this day and age, especially with most of them not even having that opportunity to go to begin with. They don't understand the social challenges that we face to fit in and find our place. They don't understand the challenges of wanting to call home for help when faced with a financial burden, but fighting yourself not to because you are 18+ in college and everyone expects you to just "figure it all out". They don't understand the struggles of dating in college and making friends and realiz

The past few days, people have been trying me, yet I have provided them with opportunities to change that. Today, I decided to take the initiative to cut off my "best friend" due to her no longer being fit to have that role anymore. Was the decision hard? Far from it. I say that... if you allow people the opportunity to come back into your life from a previous mishap, and they did not learn from it from not having you present in their life then, then they are not fit to be a part of your life. I do not grieve over losses of people in that manner anymore because I make decisions that are going to be best for me. If it is best for me to cut ties with people that I have known for years, so be it. Whether it is friends, family, whoever... because you will not have a place in my life where you choose to be toxic. We are not going to speak on the countless nights where you called and I was the only one there to talk to. We are not going to speak on how you questioned whether you w

One of the best parts about being single and all by my lonely is getting the opportunity to mingle with different people without expectations and explore different personalities. I am the single woman that will communicate with a few dudes at once, NO SEXUAL INTERACTION, and see where things can go. I don't think it is a bad thing to meet and communicate with multiple men while being single to see whether or not certain traits are what you like. Now, where things can get a bit sticky is when you want to get sexually involved, because …. if sleeping around is something that you desire, I highly recommend being discrete about it and being consistent with your health status and checkups. But anyways... there is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. There is nothing wrong with liking multiple people at once and going on a few dates here and there until you find something that you like. Because, let's say there is one man that you like because he is adventurous and ta

Thanks for putting me into the position to grow up and become a woman. Without our time spent, the mistakes and sacrifices made, those heartbreaks... I wouldn't have the mindset that I have now. The moment I brought you around my parents and started going back and forth with them about you, they told me that I was naïve and did not understand the journey that you were about to put me through. I defended you for years, and in turn, they ended up right about you. It was not until that second heartbreak..... the staying up late waiting for you to communicate, the tears behind your cheating, the slap to your face behind the laughing at my pain, that I was forced to no longer live in this fantasy land that I did not even know that I was in. I realized that... when you are in love, better yet, loving someone more than yourself... you go blind. What is common sense to a regular person about how you should be treated and what is acceptable stops being clear. What I mean is... they can

"What is preventing you from being with who you really want?" is a question I just saw on my Facebook page and I wanted to answer it. I, myself, is what is preventing me from being with the person I really want. If I am even sure this is the person that I want, I don't know. I stopped pursuing relationships a long time ago. I tell every dude that tries to establish something with me, that, I do not take anyone seriously until they show me that they are serious, and that is advice that I got from my father. I never listened to him about men before, but I have started to because he understands you creatures way more than me, lbs. With that being said, I don't settle down and focus on one person and I choose to keep my options open. I don't sleep around at all, but still, I mingle to see whether or not I want certain characteristics in a mate and I take the time to simply learn what men expect and want from women, and what I want from a man. I am.... not with th

I wish I had someone to talk to me about college before I entered it. Not my parents, because neither of them experienced it. Or, not even some peers that went to college before me that played around the whole time. I am talking about, someone with a similar mindset to mine, that struggled to balance having a social life, friendships and relationships, financial gains and losses, and many other things. I am talking about... someone that has been quiet for years and has always wanted to find the courage to step out of her shell and be apart of something bigger than herself, you know? Someone that can relate to me and give me insight as to what I should prepare for as I enter a new stage in life. Now, it is a bit too late for me now because I am about to get my first degree and walk into my second, but it isn't too late to have this conversation for all my younger family members walking into their first year of college. The conversation needs to be had. College is not your "

There could have been an ending. There could have been a stop to my existence, a stop to my growth, a stop to my journey, a stop to my life.... I think about it everyday. I didn't think writing it down, typing it out, or anything else besides a tattoo that would be attached with me forever to remind me of how grateful I am to still have my life. Because, for a long time throughout my junior year of college, I didn't want it. I get to look at something this beautiful and symbolic every day for the rest of my life and I am in love with it. When I got this tattoo, it was not important for me to explain myself to people as to why I got this for the sake of "they don't understand its purpose". It is not about them. It is about me. The semicolon has a different meaning for each person that has it tatted on them, and I want to express the meaning behind mine.  Semicolon: "There could have been a possible ending, but there was not...." Semicolon: "

I keep my head in the clouds a lot of the time because I am in love with the idea of dreaming. I am amazed with the idea of fantasizing and creating my own destiny within a matter of seconds. I could be rich as soon as I close my eyes. I could have the perfect husband and kids, by my own definition, just by focusing on an object and daydreaming about it. Anything that I want to happen, or do not want to happen, can occur all in one sitting with closing my eyes one time and that is what makes the idea of dreaming beautiful. I grew up around a lot of people that had dreams, but did not necessarily get to follow them. These people made excuses and counted themselves out, basically doing everything to deprive themselves of getting the life that they always wanted. With my life, and the way that I go about making decisions in it, I would hope that people would be able to look at it and see that I was able to follow my dreams.... and in return, that will encourage other people to do the

Anyone that has been around me for years understands how bad my anger once was, and how far I have come. Now, I didn't say that it's 100% better, but there has been some type of improvement. One of the things that I do not appreciate about people during first interactions is that, we put off this persona that we are perfect without flaws. Or, we downplay our flaws to be something tolerable, when we could very well know that we are troubled and/or toxic individuals. It's a selfish thing to do right off the bat, and it is something that I pay attention to. One of the things that I appreciate when I meet somebody is whether or not they take that door that I have open for them (through asking questions) and take the initiative to be honest and admit their own faults. I asked a guy yesterday why he was single, and he did not place blame on the other person, he was honest about it being him. Another guy once told me that he feared commitment, and I appreciated that honesty,

God spares my life over and over even after the countless amounts of unthought out and idiotic decisions that I make. I chose to take Saturday to be irresponsible and be drunk on my ass, knowing the possible outcomes of it all, and I was still spared. I am unsure how I got home, how I got home safe with no scratches or bruises, but I did. A lot of people can go out and consciously do something idiotic and get punished for it, yet my punishment for it all was only a day of throwing up. Do you know how many people go out and get drunk and lose their awareness, but are harmed? Not necessarily as punishment, but simply harmed due to their state of mind, the people around them, or their environment.... I keep getting spared and I am not really sure if it is appropriate to ask why. Some people can go out and get crazy drunk and get themselves killed. The reality of it is, I could have been raped by some guy around me... I could've collapsed in the middle of the street instead of in

Today marks twenty-one years of living for me, and the very first thought I have on it is... "thank you, God." I took off four days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) to celebrate my day because there has been a lot for me to celebrate and its bigger than just any other day and any other celebration. For starters, everyone doesn't have the ability to reach twenty-one.... and God blessed me with the opportunity to enter into it and see what I am able to do with it. I am typically the youngest in the bunch, therefore, a lot of my friends are already twenty one. I have had the ability to sit back and watch how they handle that age and all the responsibility that comes with it, and I decided to set goals for myself. With being 21, the blessing and the curse of it is that you are now in a time where you can go out and buy just about any and everything. Everything that you have been wanting to get, sneaking to get, probably paying other people to get.... you can now

I have been kind of distracted from my blogging, lately, and I wanted to share why. I picked up another job about a week ago at Amazon that happens to be delivery and sorting overnights. One thing that I can say about a person carrying two jobs is, "KUDOS!" because, it is not an easy thing to do. On every day but Sunday and Monday, I get up and go to one job at 1 am, and end that shift with an hour in between before I have to go to my second job. Lately, I have been experiencing fatigue at its finest because of my adjustment in work hours, and it has been hitting me hard. Not only do I have limitations on what I can do, but there are limitations on when I can do things as well. And, quite frankly, it doesn't bother me that much that I cannot go out how I used to because there is a reason why I am working two jobs in the first place. I do not need to work two jobs, but I choose to because what else do I have better to do this summer? This summer is about establishing m

It's been a long and stressful journey with E, but it has been worth it. I have cried in his arms, found safety in his arms, comfort, relaxation after intimate encounters.... everything that I would search for in a mate, I found in him and that is where my heart lies. I never thought that I would find love again, I guess is what I am trying to say. Although love cannot be perfect and beautiful all the time, I stepped outside of my own naïve self and recognized that the love I wanted and planned with my ex was no longer available for me to have. And, as I stepped into the dating pool back in September, I had no expectations when it came to finding love for a second time because I thought I would never have anything like I had again. And, that is still true to an extent. E and I have been off and on since December, with many difficulties in between, but.... I have grown to love him. This urge to take care of him with every ounce of my being, the willingness to do anything I can

I have been 107-115 lbs. since middle school, and since I last visited my OB/GYN on June 18th, I learned that I am 124 lbs. I have never been in the twenties when it comes to my weight, so I guess you can say I am eating good, lol. For the longest time, I never really had to worry about my weight because I always stayed in between that 107-115 lbs. I didn't care to work out back then, either because I convinced myself that my body was just naturally meant to be skinny. What happened, though? College. It is no longer the freshman fifteen, but the junior SOMETHING because the stress levels that I had my junior year of college caused me to eat, eat, eat. But, although some women would be concerned, I am actually okay with my weight gain. I did not freak out on that scale, I did not go crazy and up and buy a gym membership just to use for a week, nothing of that nature. I tried something new..... I let my body be. Now, if I feel myself getting too far off, I'll start being more

Growing up, my parents pretty much provided my sister and I with all the designer clothes, latest game systems, and latest things in general because they wanted to give us the things that they never had. Therefore, I never really had to want for things too long without my parents getting them if my behavior, grades, and household chores were okay. But, no matter how many pairs of UGGS, all the Polo shirts, Buckle items that I had back in high/middle school... a Michael Kors purse was always the thing that I wanted, but never really got. Once my Christmas lists changed from Bratz dolls to clothes and shoes, I would always write somewhere near the top "Michael Kors", but my parents never got it. They got my UGGS, boots, clothes.... everything else but that purse and since middle school, I was convinced to get one. I just bought myself a Michael Kors yesterday, and it was an accomplishment to me more than you could possibly assume. I worked throughout high school, and most of

I make mistakes. I am human. I am twenty. Today, I sat and had a conversation with Mr. Dennis (an older man who is a regular at my job) and I stated that I am not in a state of complete maturity when handling my short temper. His response to me was that, the fact that I can admit that my anger is immature makes me mature in a sense because, there are not a lot of people that can acknowledge and admit to their faults and shortcomings. I am an angel to the people that deserve the sweetness and peace and love from me, but I can be the devil to the people that cross me. What I like about my blog is the fact that I can get real about what life is and is not for me. It's not just about the amount of views, it's not about making this for financial gain, this is about helping me cope through telling my stories to others. I sit up and reread through some of my blogs sometimes and get a chance to see where I might have grown and reverted back in some parts in my life and that is wha

I walked into my sister's apartment the other day and saw my mother's "sperm donor" and I couldn't really gather the words to say anything. I couldn't really determine at that initial glance if I was mad, sad, or even felt some type of way to begin with. I seen him sitting on that couch with a smile on his face and I felt disgusted because I couldn't even fathom why he was there in the first place having the opportunity to look at my face. I hadn't seen him in years and here he is trying to talk about things and justify the reason why he couldn't be a father after all of these years. While my sister talked to him, I sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes and tried to get my words together. And, when I finally got my words together, it was basically, "too little too late". Because my father is not him. My father was present at my graduation, proms, school accomplishments, gave me useful lectures, held my hand through my fainting spe

You know how you just know you're a good woman, but …. at the same time, you're a good woman that questions if you're a good woman sometimes because you've been treated like you're less than the woman that you know you are? Reread those last few sentences, break it down, and really try to understand what I just said. You are a woman that knows that you have all this potential, and so much to offer, yet you get treated like shit all the time and start believing that you aren't anything more than a piece of shit. You are so good at how you treat your man... how you spoil him, take care of him, spend money on him, turn submissive for him, YET, he still manages to give you none of that in return. You know how you can love somebody so much, and fight for them so much when they are the ones in the wrong, that you take the love that you have for yourself and kind of use it to love that person even more in hopes of that additional love giving them inspiration to chan

Whether you want to sleep with one dude one day, and sleep with another the next week is your business as long as your protect yourself, move responsibly, and keep it discrete. Whether you want to drop out of a four-year university and enroll in culinary school the following semester is your business, because as long as your decision makes you happy, what else really matters? If you want to work for years and retire early just to up and leave Saint Louis and go live in China, do it if that makes you happy. Live your best life. I think that... a lot of people are prevented from living their best life for three reasons. The first one being, personal fears. The second one being, pressures and opinions from bystanders/outsiders. With the last reason being, excuses. Let me explain...  The first reason that I believe that people are being prevented from living their best lives are because of the battles that they face within themselves. Sometimes, we fear putting ourselves in situatio

My dad was the very first man to have my heart. I literally have no other considerations, options, or questioning of any other man that could have possibly held my heart before him. I don't quite remember the age, I just know that I was young... and me and my family were staying in the city in the apartments across from the dome. This was back when the Barbie chargeable/electronic cars were popular and my dad would let me and my sister ride it around the neighborhood with him trailing behind us. But, anyways, I gave my heart to my father on one particular day. I remember my mother was in the kitchen and I said something along the lines of going to ask him if he could be my father, too. Because, who some may refer to as my stepdad because he is biologically tied to my sister, but not me, I have never seen my dad as that. Back to the story, my mother told me to go ahead and I remember my dad was standing by the dresser and I asked him if he would be my father and he said yes. I do