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Tatted.


There could have been an ending. There could have been a stop to my existence, a stop to my growth, a stop to my journey, a stop to my life.... I think about it everyday. I didn't think writing it down, typing it out, or anything else besides a tattoo that would be attached with me forever to remind me of how grateful I am to still have my life. Because, for a long time throughout my junior year of college, I didn't want it. I get to look at something this beautiful and symbolic every day for the rest of my life and I am in love with it. When I got this tattoo, it was not important for me to explain myself to people as to why I got this for the sake of "they don't understand its purpose". It is not about them. It is about me. The semicolon has a different meaning for each person that has it tatted on them, and I want to express the meaning behind mine. 

Semicolon: "There could have been a possible ending, but there was not...."
Semicolon: "To be continued..."

I chose my life when I spent months trying to talk myself out of having one. As if, I didn't deserve one, or I was not worthy of one. Because, somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I was not worthy enough to take the breaths that I take and I was not worthy enough to have my life because ….. there is reason behind why people hurt me so bad. There is a reason why people disrespect me, abuse me, harm me, and if I deserved to have that done to me.... why did I deserve to have a life at all? These are the things that I thought and convinced myself to believe. Depression haunted me for three plus months and nobody was there to notice and/or save me. Only one person knew and they chose to let me drown and that was enough to convince me to invest in a bottle of pills and gamble with continuing my life. I hated life for a while. I woke up crying, went to sleep crying and questioned God all throughout the way because I was who every person around me wanted me to be, yet I still found myself alone and damaged. Why was I not good enough to keep "the love of my life", "the major/career of my dreams", my parents, some friends, make friends, whatever it was that I was lacking... why was I not deserving of it when I worked so damn hard to have and/or keep those things? At the end of the day, I made it through all of those things and that is why I had to get this tattoo. I never would have imagined my life would blossom in the ways that they have over the first half of this year, and I thank God for showing me other things to life besides having a "man". Since fifteen, one man was all that I knew and I lived and breathed for satisfying and doing for this man so much that I was lost and beyond broken when I finally got out on my own. So lost and broken that I was willing to end my own life just to escape feeling the pain that I felt. That was never the answer and through my first attempt, I learned that. HE was not ready to bring me home, nor was I as ready as I thought to go "home". I have a purpose and I have things to live for and so much more to accomplish and experience before it is my time to go. It was as if I had some type of epiphany, or, some type of conversation with myself where I had to slap my own self in the face and say, "Look, get your shit together. You got school to finish, places to see, people to meet, goals to accomplish, kids to create, a wedding to plan, a house to build, a love beyond my being to find within a man worthy enough of you..." and..... I saved my own self. I seen the bigger picture and faced those fears I had like the strong person that I know I am and I grew from there on out, and.... I’m here. I’m really not sure if there is anything else more to say besides that....
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