You know how you just know you're a good woman, but …. at the same time, you're a good woman that questions if you're a good woman sometimes because you've been treated like you're less than the woman that you know you are? Reread those last few sentences, break it down, and really try to understand what I just said. You are a woman that knows that you have all this potential, and so much to offer, yet you get treated like shit all the time and start believing that you aren't anything more than a piece of shit. You are so good at how you treat your man... how you spoil him, take care of him, spend money on him, turn submissive for him, YET, he still manages to give you none of that in return. You know how you can love somebody so much, and fight for them so much when they are the ones in the wrong, that you take the love that you have for yourself and kind of use it to love that person even more in hopes of that additional love giving them inspiration to change? I don't think yall following what I'm trying to say... I'm talking about that unhealthy type of love. I know the type of woman that I am and that I was raised to be. I.... cooked for my mate, did laundry for my mate, turned down my voice for my mate to fit his ego, gave it to my mate how he wanted and when he wanted, and it still didn't keep him from seeking all of that elsewhere. And, maybe the love that I provided was not deserving of him and I feel as if, at some point when he decided to step out on me, he realized it. It caused me a pain greater than I imagined to deal with losing something that I invested so much in, and he probably was just feeding me bullshit when he said that " I am not good enough for you", but he was completely right. He was not. Treating him like the wife that I aspired to be was way beyond his deserving. Cooking for him in my campus apartment every night after he would come back late from the gym and extracurriculars was not deserving of him. Doing his stank ass laundry was not deserving of him. Giving him ass left and right at the wee hours was not deserving of him because I was putting forth every breath that I had to make something work when he put forth nothing. I lost sleep, lost weight, didn't eat, didn't move, couldn't breath trying to fight for something that was KILLING me, yet he was happy, smiling, getting sex (because he no longer wanted me) with someone else. " I am not good enough for you" has stuck with me for the longest time because there were a lot of men that were not, yet I chose to give them my time. It blows my mind now how, he was able to understand that, but I wasn't ready to see it yet. God got to him first and had some type of conversation with him telling him to let me go because of all the damage he was causing me. He brought to light all his faults and led him to say those words knowing that, in that point in time, I would not be ready to accept or understand it. I get it now. I get that, I gave too much of myself, and that was why the situation had to end. God saw me losing myself and losing value and love in myself and led me to leave because he recognized, and hell, he even recognized that he was no longer good for me. I watched Acrimony, tonight, so that stood as my inspiration to blog about this today. You see, I think that us women have a problem with pulling out every aspect of who we are and what we have to offer, too soon. Granted, your partner should know what you have to offer and all, but if you put it all on the table right at the start, there is nothing to work up to. I had a problem with trying to be a wife before I even got a ring. I shacked up and did all the things I thought a wife would do, and I really haven't learned all there is to learn about being a wife, and he got a taste of what marriage would be like, in a sense. He couldn't handle checking in, being committed, or simply... being a part of a team. Where I made a mistake was trying to be all of that, when I should have just been a girlfriend, because that was all that I ever was. There was no ring on my finger, no child to connect us both... there was nothing to tie us but a label, yet we put all these expectations that were not needed on our situation. I was too good, too soon and a lot of men are not ready, although they may post on Facebook that they are. I questioned through my loss whether or not I was a good woman because I took a loss. But, I am not invincible to pain, nobody is. I am a supporter, an encourager, a fighter, a teacher, a best friend, a counselor, a motivational speaker, a comedian, a beautiful piece of art... experimenter, adventurous, wild, fun, vibrant... all of that, and I thought through being all of that plus more, that I could not lose. I recognized that, although you can be a good woman, and they know it just as well as you, that doesn't excuse them from leaving you if their heart is not in it. Because, if a person's heart is not invested like yours is, among other things, the union will not be bound to be successful no matter how hard you fight for it to be. And let's not forget about God's plan either, because he could place that person in your life in 2011 and know at the moment that he joined you that in 2014 on this day, I will remove them from each other because this situation is meant to be a growing experience for them both and temporary. You get what I'm saying? Just some random thoughts...
BTW: Thanks for the read, today. We're almost at my 100th blog !!!!!! Thanks, guys.
Comments
Post a Comment