It's not that I miss him in particular, but I miss the convenience of being in a long term relationship. It's not that I miss who he is, because he is not the person that I was in love with as of now, but I miss who he was and what we were and having someone that understood me. My Pandora playlist was on the Avant station all day today, and it was weird for me when all our old songs kept coming on reminding me of how things were. Reminding me that we used to be that couple that everyone was inspired by, or the couple that everyone expected to make it, and there is slightly some difficulty when looking back and accepting the fact that I failed at something that was viewed as a major accomplishment in my life. I never wanted to walk away from something that had years of my time, nor did I want to look him in the eye and feel the pain that I felt from the things that he had done. As I date, I can do nothing but have some type of disappointment because I just have not found anything that has the potential to last as long as the first two years of my last relationship. He can have the last two years of his half ass-ness, but the first two years were perfect for me. I come across men that don't have their priorities in order, their careers are not in place, financial problems, and many other things that I never really had to deal with before. I sit up frustrated after having a conversation with this guy or that guy about their shortcomings and I just look up at the sky and talk out loud to God and ask him what am I supposed to do? If it was meant for my ex to hurt me how he did just to be removed for me to later on have these experiences, which will hopefully result in my mate.... I just wonder why it had to be this difficult of a journey to get there. And then, I wonder if his journey was as complicated as mine, but then God reminds me that his life is no longer my concern anymore. I might sit up frustrated at my own circumstances and think that his life is sweet and peachy, but he is getting difficulties just like me. Everyone does. I … I miss the convenience of sharing my body with someone and not being concerned about whether or not I would be harmed after the interaction or satisfied, even. I knew what he liked, he knew what I liked and I was comfortable in my skin. I miss the convenience of having my birthdays and holidays celebrated with the same person and having this set routine of what we would do every year, and then here comes the first birthday in four years where I am not with this person and I have to plan something on my own. Or, what about the convenience of always having somebody there when you needed to talk about your cycle complications, your family problems (because they understood more than anybody), and all these other things that you have to find alternatives for now. The changes that I am experiencing are difficult to adjust to, still months later, and I just wanted to be real about the fact that I do look back on the old times based on the complications of the new times. I don't want to adjust to another person and take a gamble on whether or not they will break my heart. I don't want to take a guy seriously, a tad bit, because I am fearful of having another two years of beauty, with the following years being like I had with my ex. I am scared of falling in love just to fall out of love TWICE and having to pick myself up again. But, that really is all that I know. I don't miss the embarrassment, the high expectations from others based on what they perceived, the pain, the tears, the abuse.... I don't miss any of it, but I do miss having someone to hold that is the same person to hold for a long time. Not, one man this week and a new man the next. I pray for some type of consistency. I don't think I will ever miss him per sae, because that is not where my heart is.... but, I miss being a half to a whole. I miss feeling as if I was the air that helped another person to breathe and I miss looking into someone's eyes and seeing the sparkle in them from looking at me. I have yet to find that and I ask God everyday whether or not that will be a part of my journey again.
Girlfriends was by far one of the best television shows that I grew up watching, and still watch to this day... and when I think about the type of women/social circle that I would like to be around, Joan, Toni, Mya, and Lynn is exactly what it would look like. I remember starting off the sixth grade and traveling up until high school with a huge social circle filled with all these different types of girls and young women with varied personalities, values, and beliefs. Throughout that time, my social circle remained large, but there were some tweaks here and there and some people were not meant to last. What I mean is, we outgrow some relationships, we drain out some relationships, and we sometimes stop putting forth the effort to keep up effective relationships. Over the course of those years, I developed a lot of meaningful relationships and developed a slight sense of what type of people I wanted to be surrounded by. One of the major adjustments that I had throughout graduat
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