Anger Problems.

If you google anger, Wikipedia will show you that: "Anger or wrath is an intense emotional response usually involving agitation, malice, or retribution. It is an emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat. Anger can occur when a person feels their personal boundaries are being or are going to be violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation as a way of coping." 

I like to think that I deal with my anger appropriately, and I have for a short time span, but there have been many times when I have not. The tendency to be a firecracker is something that the women in my family just naturally carry and I don't recognize that I am falling victim to it until AFTER my anger gets the best of me. My grandmother, she has shot at my grandfather before. My mother, she has threw glass at my father before. Me, I've cut up my ex's clothes before and slapped him silly. I hate when I get placed into situations where my maturity as far as my anger is tested, but those tests just might be necessary, because, realistically, there will be a lot of situations in my life that will make me mad and I cannot blow up with every single one. I have learned to walk away with most situations that drive me to be angry, because... if you have the ability to do things to make me get to the point of where I want to harm you... the situation is not healthy. You are not healthy. And, I am starting to not be healthy. I allowed my anger to get bad multiple times simply for the fact that I did not have the balls to leave the very source that caused me pain, which in return caused tears, which led to anger. The moment I shed a tear over something or someone that has harmed me, I see red because I was raised in a manner where tears are seen as a sign of weakness and then I become embarrassed because this person and this situation has caused me to be publically weak. Anger... is why there is an Investigation Discovery network. Anger is why there is a Fatal Attraction on TV One, even... because, there are the people that you invite into your lives that you give every ounce of your being to (which is wrong on our parts, but damn it, can you help how you love), and then they turn around and harm you and you're standing there in confusion as to what to do. It is that very embarrassment that we as people can sometimes not handle and anger is sometimes an initial reaction to it. What I do love about the relationship between my parents is that I had the opportunity to see them mature and grow, because they were grown for the longest time, but immature for the longest time as well. I got my first ounce of anger and abusive tendencies displayed to me by watching my dad do my mom foul, and my mom in return respond to his actions like a crazed woman. I've seen them fight. I've experienced the racing in my heart by hearing the loudness in their voices. I've seen my mom lock my dad out the apartment, him find his way in, her call the police, all just for him to come back home. I've laid next to my mom... and watched my dad come in and slap her across the face and witness no ounce of her loyalty or love change towards him. How my parents handled their situations and channeled their anger stood as example to me, whether I was aware of it or not and I found myself in too many situations being like my mother and my father. No ounce of those traits are present in either one of them now, but those memories will always stand. I have.... been my mother when I cut up my ex's clothes because he left me with no explanation when we first got to college. I was... my mother when I slapped him across his face with all my might because he laughed when I said that he was the very reason that I did not want my life. His cheating, his lying, his changing.... I could not bear the pain of it and the possibility of not having him. Once I was able to remove myself from that situation, I got to see my anger from the outside in and regardless of how fucked up the situation was, I should have been better than he was and controlled myself. Since that time, I have always been quick to leave situations that channel my anger because no one should harm me in a way where I result to violence. Violence is my family history, but I don't want it to be my family's FUTURE. Growing up seeing violence and anger was traumatizing for me, and its not something that I want people to place within my legacy, nor do I want that to be in the stories that my children tell of me. If I do not walk away from a situation that challenges my anger, another thing that I do is ignore the person until I have had time to think and calm down. Its a sign of growth and maturity on my part, and I'm actually quite glad that I got it so soon. Although anger problems are common, channeling it and treating it is not so common and I want people to start thinking about it.