.angel.

I make mistakes. I am human. I am twenty. Today, I sat and had a conversation with Mr. Dennis (an older man who is a regular at my job) and I stated that I am not in a state of complete maturity when handling my short temper. His response to me was that, the fact that I can admit that my anger is immature makes me mature in a sense because, there are not a lot of people that can acknowledge and admit to their faults and shortcomings. I am an angel to the people that deserve the sweetness and peace and love from me, but I can be the devil to the people that cross me. What I like about my blog is the fact that I can get real about what life is and is not for me. It's not just about the amount of views, it's not about making this for financial gain, this is about helping me cope through telling my stories to others. I sit up and reread through some of my blogs sometimes and get a chance to see where I might have grown and reverted back in some parts in my life and that is what this is for, along with touching other people because you wont believe how many messages I get telling me that people related or understood exactly what I was talking about. Today, I wanted to get more personal about a negative aspect of me, because I cant just tell you all the negativities of the people around me or place blame on just other people, I sometimes play a role to. How many people can admit that? I feel as if, since I have gotten to a point in my life where I acknowledge my short temper and am actually trying to treat it, God has been placing me in situations to test my growth with this whole process. Yesterday, my maturity with my anger was tested, and I failed. It's not that I failed once, I failed multiple times in one night and I was hesitant to share this on a blog in general, but people never want to put their mistakes on front-street for others to see in hopes of helping other people. Generally, people feel embarrassment and loss of pride through acknowledging these type of things and I told myself that I would not. Okay, so back to it... yesterday, I failed. On my way back home from a kid's birthday party, I stopped by a friend's house. The fluff in between is irrelevant to the overall message, so I am going to skip it. The most important thing is that from leaving White Castles to getting to the gas station, our energies towards each other switched through loss of respect and improper ways of communication. Are you one of those people who, when someone laughs at you in a moment of anger, you lose it? That is me. It had already been a long night, and on top of the issues already present, the laughing just did not help the situation and I asked this person to get out of my car. Yes, it was at a gas station, yes he had no way of getting home, but I did not care because somewhere within that night, he stopped knowing how to show respect towards me. And, in my mind, if you are disrespecting me and doing something to make me feel uncomfortable, I don't have to take you home... I don't have to make sure that you are good. And, yes I probably should have been the bigger person through his nit picking and ignorance, but I chose the opposite route. Anyways, he told me after I asked him to get out that he was NOT getting out and that was when everything escalated. Not only did I throw his things out my car and drive over it, but I drove FURTHER away from his home so that his walk would be farther. And on top of that, we were both tugging on a steering wheel around 11:40 pm and swinging back and forth, down New Halls Ferry. Picture it. I shouted a lot of things through this crazy encounter, such as, I would crash the car if he didn't get out, all types of things and the overall point is, I just shouldn't have let my anger get that far regardless of what he was doing to me. As I look back, maybe keeping my mouth shut in my time of anger would've been the better route. We didn't have to hit each other either, but what happened, happened and I have to work with this person five times out of a week and still try to maintain some type of professionalism. Lol, make it make sense, right? I have known for years that my anger was out of pocket, but I have really been working on it since I've had time by myself. It seems to me, though, that my obstacles are getting bigger with each new person that I meet and I am still in search for better methods to maintain my attitude. I don't have all the time to fill in the nit and grit of what happened, but just zero in on the verbal and physical abuse here and walk away with a message. There is no justification for it regardless of what a person is putting you through. Um, granted I was trying to keep safe through driving and yelling back and forth with this person, but maybe my yelling back did not help... or possibly, maybe I could've even just sat quiet and let him keep that bright light in my eyes as I drove. I don't know? But anything would've been better than what happened yesterday and … sometimes we don't have the time to think before a situation is presented to us, but my advice to you is to act in the best manner that you can and make do. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has had crazy person encounters, but I know I am one of few that will admit my part in calling another person crazy as if I had no type of role in it. Like I said, depending on how a person acts towards me... they either get "angel" or "devil" out of me. Pick your poison. (Just kidding, lol.)