I walked into my sister's apartment the other day and saw my mother's
"sperm donor" and I couldn't really gather the words to say anything. I couldn't really determine at that initial glance if I was mad, sad, or even felt some type of way to begin with. I seen him sitting on that couch with a smile on his face and I felt disgusted because I couldn't even fathom why he was there in the first place having the opportunity to look at my face. I hadn't seen him in years and here he is trying to talk about things and justify the reason why he couldn't be a father after all of these years. While my sister talked to him, I sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes and tried to get my words together. And, when I finally got my words together, it was basically, "too little too late". Because my father is not him. My father was present at my graduation, proms, school accomplishments, gave me useful lectures, held my hand through my fainting spells... my father was present and active in my life since I was two years old and he looks NOTHING like you. He isn't even you. I cant even give you the title "father" because you have done nothing to deserve it. He had the opportunity to do for me as a father would, but he watched and let another man take on his responsibilities because he wanted to be a "selective father" and raise only some of his kids, and not all of them. There is nothing to justify the decisions he made, nor him being absent for all of these years. I love my FATHER, who is not him and there is no reason for this man that I do not know to be sitting in my face trying to make up for those years of being gone because his position has been taken. I don't need you. Because, lets make it known that I made it through high school without you. I made it through girl fights without you, boys, my first heartbreak, I accomplished damn near the world by my own definition, financial wins and losses, everything that a father would typically be there for... I did it all WITHOUT you and now you try to come around and pick up this title. Fuck. You. I grew up in a household with two parents, but there were some moments where not having my mom's "sperm donor" in my life bothered me. Because, why did he want to be a father to four of his kids, but leave out the others? Or, how can he complain of being broke and not being able to afford child support, yet he can give hundreds to his other kids? Why was I not good enough to be present is a question that always popped up in my head. Why, when he did have the money, did that money make up for him not being physically present? And then... he has the nerve to fix his mouth to say that it is not his responsibility to keep in contact with me after all of this time. That man will NEVER be my father. And., he can pop up at any location, blow up my phone, and keep running his mouth, but nothing will change for me. It is not that my heart is broken at this point, but I can honestly say that there was anger that filled within me through seeing him and hearing him talk because he made a lot of justifications for why he couldn't be a father. He tried to place the blame on me and my sister for his laziness and lack of presence instead of being an adult and taking responsibility. He sat there slumped on her couch on his phone with this nonchalant attitude that made me question why he was there in the first place. The energy he gave off, his face, that mood made me want to slap the life out of him because how can you walk around everyday satisfied with yourself knowing that you have kids out here that you make feel unwanted. I am grateful to have had a father all these years to show me what a father is and give me that love that this other man could not provide because who knows where I would be if he hadn't. This man that I seen, I will forever not know him. Not know his middle name, his birthday, his ancestry... and whatever else because he is NOT my father.
"sperm donor" and I couldn't really gather the words to say anything. I couldn't really determine at that initial glance if I was mad, sad, or even felt some type of way to begin with. I seen him sitting on that couch with a smile on his face and I felt disgusted because I couldn't even fathom why he was there in the first place having the opportunity to look at my face. I hadn't seen him in years and here he is trying to talk about things and justify the reason why he couldn't be a father after all of these years. While my sister talked to him, I sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes and tried to get my words together. And, when I finally got my words together, it was basically, "too little too late". Because my father is not him. My father was present at my graduation, proms, school accomplishments, gave me useful lectures, held my hand through my fainting spells... my father was present and active in my life since I was two years old and he looks NOTHING like you. He isn't even you. I cant even give you the title "father" because you have done nothing to deserve it. He had the opportunity to do for me as a father would, but he watched and let another man take on his responsibilities because he wanted to be a "selective father" and raise only some of his kids, and not all of them. There is nothing to justify the decisions he made, nor him being absent for all of these years. I love my FATHER, who is not him and there is no reason for this man that I do not know to be sitting in my face trying to make up for those years of being gone because his position has been taken. I don't need you. Because, lets make it known that I made it through high school without you. I made it through girl fights without you, boys, my first heartbreak, I accomplished damn near the world by my own definition, financial wins and losses, everything that a father would typically be there for... I did it all WITHOUT you and now you try to come around and pick up this title. Fuck. You. I grew up in a household with two parents, but there were some moments where not having my mom's "sperm donor" in my life bothered me. Because, why did he want to be a father to four of his kids, but leave out the others? Or, how can he complain of being broke and not being able to afford child support, yet he can give hundreds to his other kids? Why was I not good enough to be present is a question that always popped up in my head. Why, when he did have the money, did that money make up for him not being physically present? And then... he has the nerve to fix his mouth to say that it is not his responsibility to keep in contact with me after all of this time. That man will NEVER be my father. And., he can pop up at any location, blow up my phone, and keep running his mouth, but nothing will change for me. It is not that my heart is broken at this point, but I can honestly say that there was anger that filled within me through seeing him and hearing him talk because he made a lot of justifications for why he couldn't be a father. He tried to place the blame on me and my sister for his laziness and lack of presence instead of being an adult and taking responsibility. He sat there slumped on her couch on his phone with this nonchalant attitude that made me question why he was there in the first place. The energy he gave off, his face, that mood made me want to slap the life out of him because how can you walk around everyday satisfied with yourself knowing that you have kids out here that you make feel unwanted. I am grateful to have had a father all these years to show me what a father is and give me that love that this other man could not provide because who knows where I would be if he hadn't. This man that I seen, I will forever not know him. Not know his middle name, his birthday, his ancestry... and whatever else because he is NOT my father.
Comments
Post a Comment