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.loml.


It's been a long and stressful journey with E, but it has been worth it. I have cried in his arms, found safety in his arms, comfort, relaxation after intimate encounters.... everything that I would search for in a mate, I found in him and that is where my heart lies. I never thought that I would find love again, I guess is what I am trying to say. Although love cannot be perfect and beautiful all the time, I stepped outside of my own naïve self and recognized that the love I wanted and planned with my ex was no longer available for me to have. And, as I stepped into the dating pool back in September, I had no expectations when it came to finding love for a second time because I thought I would never have anything like I had again. And, that is still true to an extent. E and I have been off and on since December, with many difficulties in between, but.... I have grown to love him. This urge to take care of him with every ounce of my being, the willingness to do anything I can to see him smile, the sacrifices I would make to help this man get to and accomplish his dreams are the same habits and tendencies that I had when I was in love the first time around. I will never forget commenting back on his snapchat back in December trying to shoot my shot, lol. Or, how it rained outside and he gave me a picnic indoors because he knew that was something that I always wanted. And, I wont forget that party he threw that I popped up at and we ended the night together. All those moments were some of the few times where I started loving him. But, I also have enough experience with love to recognize the ugly in it and we've had that, too. I wont forget the frustrations of an ex that just wont leave him alone, nor the complications of dating another man that is a social butterfly on campus. Because, when everyone knows the person that you are with, people are more prone to be nosy and, in a sense, its like you have to share what is yours with everybody else because that phone is always ringing and that person is always busy. I spent plenty of days waiting on one text out of 24 hours, or for him to come back to my dorm after a night out, even if it meant me staying up til three am. I went through a lot just to have something with E, and it only started coming together when I took a step back for him to choose between having me or not. We stopped talking for a month or so, and he bounced back to me. I am a firm believer that if people are meant to be, they will be. And, it happened to be. When he called me a week ago apologizing for his actions, I learned that his name was still his name in my phone. My heart fluttered like it always did every time I got a call or a text from him. And... when I heard his voice, I melted into pieces because that voice is home for me. E is my headache, but he is my view of the rain on a cozy indoor-type of day. E was the most beautiful type of man God could have ever blessed me with despite his flaws, and I learned that I was the woman placed into his life meant to readjust and eliminate those flaws. You see, the last woman made shit extremely hard for me, but in the end, he was willing to change because of his love for me. And, he didn't know if he had the ability to love again, either, but I showed him different. When we had a conversation at the beginning of me and him, he told me exactly what type of woman he wanted and what he needed me to do and I did it all. Whether he needed financial support, emotional support at late night hours, a supporter, a bestfriend, a lover, a sexual companion, whatever it was.... I made sure to do it because it was important for me to show this man what love really was. It was not the girl that destroyed you and made you question love's beauty. It was not the girl that made you insecure, that threw everything you used to be and went through in your face. Love is me... and love is you. 

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