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Late Night Conversations: I Prayed On It...

I said that, if he'd find his way back into my messages, my presence, my world in any way, shape, or form... I would give him a fair chance. I would give him the opportunity to win me over without making it hard on him, or driving him away purposefully because I'm scared. The past few nights, I've had these late-night conversations with God about what it is that I need to do in order to get to where I'm trying to go. I talked to him about exposing me to the right man, because the whole idea and existence of love is what I've wanted for the longest time, I truly don't believe that I am meant to be alone. I wanted to wake up every morning knowing that I was the first thought on someone else's mind, or wake up in someone's arms that didn't want to ever let me go. I wanted to be admired and appreciated in the same ways that I can do for him... Every night, God and I had the same conversation about bringing this one particular guy back into my life because, he had everything that I wanted long-term. I pushed him away once before because I was scared, but I told myself that if he were to ever come back around, he would get me without any complications. Meaning, I wouldn't give him tests to see if he means what he says, or base what he does and says on previous guys, I would give him a FAIR chance. I wouldn't be guarded with my heart and who I am like most of us are after being hurt, I would just present myself to him as I am, bare... and willing to risk it all. I would try my best to start fresh with him in a way where I did not have to bring up my past affairs in order to move forward with him. I didn't have to talk about what this guy or that guy did, because it really didn't matter and he was my fresh start. I started talking to God about him the moment I made the mistake to dodge him thinking that he was too good for me, or was not for me because I come with baggage and broken pieces. I learned that regardless of what I come with, if he was willing to take the time to get to know me and talk about the things in life that he wanted with me, then maybe that stuff wasn't important to him and he wanted me regardless. The other night, I laid there with him and I said something that I hadn't thought about until that very second. I had so many late night conversations with God about this man, and I didn't want to jinx it, or mess it up making some of the same mistakes that I made before. I told him that I wasn't going to have sex.. I wasn't going to consider it, act on it, for a while, and quite frankly, I shocked myself saying it, but I meant it.  I wanted to be something more to a guy besides sex.... 99.9 % of the time, I never slept with the guys that I called myself talking to, they just always had an interest in sex, sex, and sex.... and I didn't want it to be that way with him because I have so much more to offer. And.... he didn't frown up or get up and walk out that door. He stayed and said okay... and that meant more than he'd ever know.
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