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To You...


His name in my phone is his name, plus the red heart, and lastly the sad face. I add his full name and not his nickname because it reminds me to keep boundaries and restrictions on what we have. I have the heart because sometimes he is everything that I want him to be, with the sad face at the end because it brings me back to the reality of some of the things that he does to me. I often black out and stare into space and have my conversations and prayers with God. I told you guys that I talk to Him in my own way.... But anyways, I sit and I talk to him and I ask him what is my purpose and what lesson am I missing for him to keep bringing me these broken people that need to be fixed? Leos are said to have the ability to fix and influence others, and if that be the case, I ask Him why do I have to get hurt in the process? There are so many situations that this man has put me through that damn near exceed what I have ever dealt with and I look to God through every situation with tears in my eyes wondering when and/or how to walk away? Better yet, am I supposed to walk away in the first place? I've watched him lie, sneak, at his lowest, at his highest, with a smile on his face, with a frown, disappointment, failure, regret.... I've seen all range of emotions within this man and I want to know when will he learn? Everything that God has placed in my way to deal with and learn from, I have, so I just wonder why these same men keep being placed down my path appearing to be beautiful and Godly, when they have characteristics of the devil. He comes and prays to you often for guidance and... I sit up and wonder how come it is so hard to do the right thing? How do you expect people to do right by you when you take a stake through the heart of everyone that attempts to get close to you? All the things he ever vented to me about, shed a tear about, got mad about, popped bottles about.... he came to me and called me to help him get through it, yet he doesn't think twice about hurting me. He's looked me in the eyes for weeks going on months and lied to me and I ask God what is the LESSON here? When do I know to walk away, or maybe I should've a long time ago.... but I convinced myself to stay because he already told me how he was at the beginning. And... and then here is where I disagree with myself because he told me the generic take on how he was, when I should've gotten full details. How is it that this person says that they care for me, but can ignore me all day? Or.... can lie in my face for weeks at a time because he only thinks about himself. I've never met a more selfish person in my life, but that is who I fell for. I feel like.... I need to stick by to help you become the better person that you are striving to be, but I just don't want to be hurt as you're learning how to become a man on your journey. You looked me in my eyes three months ago and understood the pain that I had through my last relationship... and you decided to put me through the same thing. I can never get the answer, but I always wonder why because I try my best to not be like the women that have you how you are now. I pray every night for you to grow out of your selfish tendencies and learn to be a man, because you aren't one. Men don't treat women how you treat me. Men don't make excuses for why they cannot do things, they just do it. Men keep their word because they understand the importance of what keeping your word is. I pray that you find comfort in me helping you through your problems or something else positive than a damn bottle. I pray you open your eyes and realize that you have something good. I pray that .... you look back and see all that I have done for you just to make you smile ASIDE from financially. I supported you even when people said I shouldn't, yet you lie... you play around, and you make excuses everyday for why you cannot grow up and be a man. You make me sick sometimes when I look at you, but the other half of the time.... I'm looking at you drool on my sheets and I'm not wanting a life without you. When... you go to those parties on Friday and Saturday and shake your ass, don't come to church on Sunday and be half ass. Don't go before those people and pretend to be a good man in your nice shoes and polo buttoned up to the top, when you just drank away your problems and put me through what you put me through. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself when your time is gonna come when you actually want to be a man and take responsibility for your actions. Because.... you have not took responsibility if you keep choosing to make those same stupid decisions. I cannot wait around on you to figure out how to be a man forever, because you had a positive male role model in your life that taught you how to act, you just choose not to. You read the Bible, you sit in those pews, so you freaking know so I'm not gonna teach you how to treat a woman or how to simply be a DECENT HUMAN BEING. Just understand that after so many punches to the face... there wont be a you and me. 

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