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Love Is...


Love is... my greatest weakness. Love is... my greatest success and greatest failure. Because, when love is kind to me... Briahna is at her best. Briahna is always smiling, there is nothing but positivity in my life, I am at my best and achieving the most. But, when love is mean to me... everything that was once beautiful becomes ugly and my life becomes dark. It is me versus everyone and everything and it is me going from strong to weak. It is.... me going from being the brightest star in the sky to the mud underneath someone's shoes.

I like to think that we have multiple examples of love in our lives. Whether it is that first early stage of love where we establish some type of foundation for what love is. Or, maybe it is that love that we thought was everlasting, but gravitated towards being toxic? And... then there is that love that you apply all those lessons you learned into and this just might be the one that results in the kids and marriage. I like to believe that I've gotten to the type of love that is in that third stage. Sterling and Ryan are one of my favorite couples that I see, regardless of it just being my perception, how they give off their love is inspirational and commendable and I aspire to get something that beautiful.

I spent the last few months dating someone that wanted to "go with the flow". I fell for someone that entertained other women, ignored me on occasion, spent nights partying when he should've been with me, and abused me emotionally. We never really had a title, so I guess he was free to do whatever he pleased, but that didn't make the things that he did hurt any less. I knew he had problems before I got involved with him, but us women love to think that we can change these boys/men into being who we want them to be when they are actually going to change when THEY see fit. It took me until now to realize that he was going to change for the woman that he truly wanted to be with, and if that wasn't me, it would hurt... but that's my reality. A few days ago, I decided to try something different and test the waters since he couldn't do and be better for me. And, then here comes him saying I love you for the first time and the changes that I've been wanting. The moment I saw the "I love you", I wanted to drop whoever and whomever for him and get things back up and going, but I look at myself now questioning whether that is the right or wrong thing to do? I fell in love with someone that wasn't really prepared to love me how he needed to, but he's spent all this time learning how to do so and I wonder if I continue to wait? Because... those women before me, they damaged him and made him incapable of handling for the longest time and the fact that he was able to grow to love me and fight for me when that isn't in his nature means a lot to me. I ... look back on our journey and love has been harsh, honest, and mean because he didn't know what love really was. But, our love is growing to be kind, realistic, and strong through all those obstacles and I came to realize that I want to make it work. I usually am the one with the damage to repair, so I guess God gave me a taste of my own medicine.

Why does it take seeing me with another man to fix things? Or maybe he just never thought I'd walk away after all he put me through, and ... I guess that was enough to get us on the track that we needed to be. I love this man and I never thought I'd see or feel love again. I fought for this man, and I swore I would never fight for another man again because the last man that I fought for took advantage. My heart was open and ready to find a new home prior to meeting him, and now he holds it and is just now learning how to care for it, along with his own.

Our love is... unique and chill. Our love is random and difficult. Our love is private and complicated, and I guess we make it work for us. 
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