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Prayers.


Prayer for me is extremely individualized and solely based on my own comfort. I like to think that... when I get most vulnerable and talk with God, I am in the most comfortable and peaceful state of mind that I can be in. My father used to always tell my sister and I to pray more than besides having a plate in front of us, and how we pray doesn't really matter as long as we do pray. And for me.... prayer is through my moments of silence, spaced out, focusing on something far off... laying down in my bed. Whether it is when I first open my eyes or right before I close them. So, tonight I lay.... :

"Today, God... I understood your signs more than ever that it is my time to find my purpose and I wish to be guided in the right direction in order to reach it. I can never be quite sure of what you want me to do or where you want me to go, but I am willing to try. I understand that everything works around your time and you will present what you need to present for me to see when you think that I am ready to see it.... and my question, I guess is... what do I need to do in order for you to consider me ready? I want to say thank you for the many insightful conversations that you have placed me in the position to have tonight and yesterday night because they opened my eyes a bit. Through Drea, I understood more than I ever knew that I have to step outside of my comfort zone in order to find my place on this campus. And from myself, I put together the pieces of what she was saying and I concluded that you cannot possibly grow through being comfortable all the time. With growth, there is discomfort and failure... and I have failed a bunch of times already, so I guess the only thing left is to be uncomfortable. I am praying to you for that discomfort coming into my last year of college because there needs to be a change for me. I no longer want to be quiet and feel out of place. I no longer want my name to be overshadowed by someone else's and my personal life. I simply just want to find my place and if you have to remove, add, cause me to fail some more, cry some more, grind some more... whatever it takes, please put me in the situations to do so in order to get there. With my conversation with Josh tonight, I reminded myself of how important it was for me to find my purpose in life beyond my degree, beyond my blogs, beyond the people around me. I hope to find my place in the world as a whole and to have a clear understanding of what it is that I have to offer to the people, places, and communities around me. I just need your help figuring it all out because I am just walking around confused. Sometimes, I think that I know what you may expect from me and what route you expect me to take, but a lot of times... I find myself wrong and I just need a deeper understanding as to why. Something else that I want to pray for is the protection, security, safety, love, and caring of all the people around me. I pray for "E" to find his footing in life because his life appears to be like his car, cluttered. Since he is attached to me, I need him to be guided in the right direction too, because I see him falling off sometimes. I pray for me and him to be consistent and genuine because he is taking my heart, time, and some more some and I don't want it to be just for the sake of him being another painful lesson. Allow it to blossom into love. I pray that all the friendships that are growing around me continue to be vibrant and real... that my grandparents continue to be given another day despite their smoking habits. That the families of all the people around me are well... I pray that I can continue to stay as positive as I have been and continue to practice distancing myself from negativity. I thank you for guiding me in being positive through the evil tendencies that David tried to spill upon me. Although he is troubled,  I want to include him and all the people that wish downfall into my prayers as well because they encourage me more than most to stay honest, true to myself, and positive. I thank you for that test you placed upon me to see if I would get out of character and I am grateful that I did not. And lastly, I want to pray for my overall wellness and that you continue to work on me until my last day because I understand that I will never live to be perfect, but to just continue to work on me. Amen." 
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